Acceptance

It's always so peaceful to be in the general area of acceptance, and not struggling constantly with fear and worry. I could blame it on the Ativan, but I only took 3 days worth. Ha Ha Ha What it really was, I think, was when I decided I wasn't going to allow this new diagnosis of spinal degeneration to define me. After I went and had the planning x-rays at my surgeon's office, I was placed back in a tiny room and the nurse came in. She began to "counsel" me on what I will expect from both surgeries. She showed me the hardware and basically explained that after the scoliosis surgery, I will only have about 5 inches of natural spine left. I felt a switch flip in my soul and fear rushed in like a tidal wave. Panic jumped on a surfboard and hitched a ride along with it, and subsequently my self esteem rode out to sea. However, the biggest loss in all this has been my dependance on Faith. Even writing about it all now makes me anxious; not the surgery, but that reaction to the news on that day. I spent the next week or so crying and angry. I had a few intense breakdowns and my blood sugar spiked in the 500's. I went to the ER and left with a prescription for Ativan, encouragement to get counseling, and a realization that I am suffering with PTSD. All the surgeries, then failed surgery revisions have taken their toll on my faith in my body, and faith in surgeons. I snapped. I used to be strong... but I realized my "strength" had moved from God (Faith) to Self (Fear), and it crumbled before me like a dry biscuit. So I remembered some basic tools I had been taught in Alcoholics Anonymous: "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake." This came from page 417 in the 4th edition of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This spiritual principle has worked for me on countless occasions, so why have I forgotten to use it on this? Wisdom, I believe, is the result of the application of one's knowledge of spiritual principles through life experience. I also believe that when I stop relying on God I can't access my wisdom anymore. I have seen this over and over in my life. So Wisdom must be a gift, and so must be the process I go through to gain that Wisdom... which is "life". Life is a gift, good or bad experiences included. My anxiety left, fears subsided and I floated back and forth like a feather down onto acceptance that I am about to go through another set of painful, debilitating experiences that will lend themselves to more metal, scars, and worst of all a binding of my will over my body. I let go of my control and I allowed God to take the reins once again. I think that is a wise decision!