Acceptance

It's always so peaceful to be in the general area of acceptance, and not struggling constantly with fear and worry. I could blame it on the Ativan, but I only took 3 days worth. Ha Ha Ha What it really was, I think, was when I decided I wasn't going to allow this new diagnosis of spinal degeneration to define me. After I went and had the planning x-rays at my surgeon's office, I was placed back in a tiny room and the nurse came in. She began to "counsel" me on what I will expect from both surgeries. She showed me the hardware and basically explained that after the scoliosis surgery, I will only have about 5 inches of natural spine left. I felt a switch flip in my soul and fear rushed in like a tidal wave. Panic jumped on a surfboard and hitched a ride along with it, and subsequently my self esteem rode out to sea. However, the biggest loss in all this has been my dependance on Faith. Even writing about it all now makes me anxious; not the surgery, but that reaction to the news on that day. I spent the next week or so crying and angry. I had a few intense breakdowns and my blood sugar spiked in the 500's. I went to the ER and left with a prescription for Ativan, encouragement to get counseling, and a realization that I am suffering with PTSD. All the surgeries, then failed surgery revisions have taken their toll on my faith in my body, and faith in surgeons. I snapped. I used to be strong... but I realized my "strength" had moved from God (Faith) to Self (Fear), and it crumbled before me like a dry biscuit. So I remembered some basic tools I had been taught in Alcoholics Anonymous: "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake." This came from page 417 in the 4th edition of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This spiritual principle has worked for me on countless occasions, so why have I forgotten to use it on this? Wisdom, I believe, is the result of the application of one's knowledge of spiritual principles through life experience. I also believe that when I stop relying on God I can't access my wisdom anymore. I have seen this over and over in my life. So Wisdom must be a gift, and so must be the process I go through to gain that Wisdom... which is "life". Life is a gift, good or bad experiences included. My anxiety left, fears subsided and I floated back and forth like a feather down onto acceptance that I am about to go through another set of painful, debilitating experiences that will lend themselves to more metal, scars, and worst of all a binding of my will over my body. I let go of my control and I allowed God to take the reins once again. I think that is a wise decision!

I have lost my "muchness"

My EMG today was ridiculously painful. Do they really have to be THAT painful?? You would think they could come up with a better way to test that stuff. I was told I was a Hero through it and that I am "intersteing" to test because I am such a freak! I'm tired of being interesting. Tomorrow I have a mylogram, and I pray I do not have a seizure this time.

My prayer today

I went to Garner & Riley Physical Therapy in Bastrop today. They were awesome! As I was talking to my new PT, Scott... I start crying my eyes out! He was great about it. He said it happens a lot. I was embarrassed, of course. I know my chronic pain is wearing me down. Plus quitting smoking, plus being angry about my failed neck surgery, plus grieving a new diagnosis and dreading the spine fusion... I'm just angry Jesus! I know it's ok to tell Him all about it, He can take it! Plus He grieves for me! But my Faith hasn't faltered that You still are with me. Just help me see my progress, not my decline. Help me focus on You and your Love, and not on my pain. Help me remember that through my weakness You are making me whole!

"Praise our God, all peoples,
    let the sound of his praise be heard; 
 he has preserved our lives
    and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, God, tested us;
    you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
    and laid burdens on our backs.
You let people ride over our heads;
    we went through fire and water,
    but you brought us to a place of abundance."
                                            Psalm 66:8-12


I know you are purifying me like silver Lord, I just didn't think it was a literal translation! First my hip, now my spine! hahaha

victory is mine!!

My new Surgeon, Dr Matthew Geck, I really like him. He has asked me to quit smoking. He basically said he wouldn't do the surgeries and help me if I didn't quit, but he asked me nicely! hahaha I had wanted to and even tried to for a long time. But it is so incredibly hard to quit! This time he has asked me to quit and be clean for 2 weeks, then he will submit me to a drug screen to make sure the nicotine is out of my system, Then we will schedule the first of the 2 surgeries. The cervical revision. Well today I am 9 days free and clear of a cigarette! I have been so pissed off at the world for the last few days it is unreal! I have been bawling, short-fused, remembering things from the past from when I detoxed from drugs and alcohol! It's been intense. I'm going to push through this. I know I can be victorious!

Welcome!

SO, I've  decided to start writing this journey down. Maybe to help me remember what it was like to go through it all once I triumph through to the other side, or maybe to help someone else who suffers too. One of my major goals in life has been to help others heal emotionally and spiritually, and I always seem to draw from personal experience. What better way to heal yourself than to help another person walk through their own suffering. A very wise friend of mine once told me, "When you are walking through Hell with another person, just remember you get to leave a little bit of your own there behind too." I will never forget that advice.
But for now, It's my own Hell I'm walking through again, not someone else's... so get back Devil! I'm ready for you!